My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
You Might Also Like
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
concern
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
🏙👨🏼
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Born to be mild.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died