My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
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Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.