[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
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Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.