[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
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Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I’d … I’d rather not.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!