My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
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PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Hmmmmm
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time