My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
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I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
it must be school picture day
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.