My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
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went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad