My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
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I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Lol
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me