My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
They must have gotten it to go.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
How does one answer this?
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves