My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
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I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.