My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
You Might Also Like
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
couldn’t resist
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.