My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
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*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
the battle rages on
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.