My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
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Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.