@hardlyrelevant (interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
@That_Damn_Duck My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
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@hardlyrelevant 
@slimmy_shady CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
@Lisa_Laughs_ We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
@broken_rhi My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
@ErrenMichaels Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
@nicfit75 Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
@Not_From_Troy I am having an out of money experience.
@MatCro [phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
@SaraESpivey Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
@evilgeniuscsi It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.