My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

You Might Also Like


(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions


CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.


We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.


My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.


Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.


Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.


[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly


Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.