My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
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I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.