My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
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After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.