my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
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“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.