My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
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TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her