My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
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Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Who called it baking and not making love
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.