My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
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West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.