My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
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I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Google Pay be like:
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms