My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
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I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I’m putting together a team
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.