My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
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Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.