My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
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It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee