My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
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mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.