Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
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Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache