@Brianhopecomedy

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

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@SLorenzen62

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

@dailyadviser

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

@MooseAllain

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

@LostFelicia

If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.

@mattZillaaaa

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

@HomeProbably

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

@LanieLalaBugs

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party