My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

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My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!


[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?


[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”


one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.


My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.


if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world


Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”


First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”


Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.