My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
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it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.