@Jaysmemoir My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
@XplodingUnicorn My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
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@Jaysmemoir 
@Playing_Dad [Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
@Jeffwni [Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
@jessiegender Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
@weedguy420boner one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
@SufficientCharm My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
@curiousgawker if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
@wildethingy Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
@TheWriteStuff2u First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
@BadJordon Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.