My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
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Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Thursday Thought.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news