My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
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Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!