My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
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“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Terribly Tuesday.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.