Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

What even happened today?

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…