My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
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[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
How animals would run if they were human
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight