My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
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Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.