My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
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TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
My brain is a bad influence on me
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.