My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
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-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Posting this on behalf of a friend