my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
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I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.