My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
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Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
He just like my cat fr
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die