My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
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me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
This might be me.
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surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.