My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
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Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
This could’ve been an email.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine