My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
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Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
one of
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I put the mess in domestic.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.