My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
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First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
“The Perfect Relationship”
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
seems like a niche market
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild