My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
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My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Britain be like
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Why is no one talking about this?!
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
multitasking lunch
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.