My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
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[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..