My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
You Might Also Like
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened