My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
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I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*