Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

Wife: I’m pissed!

Me: still or again?

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

You’re the water to my grease fire.

There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE