My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
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IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
If you know, you know
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.