My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
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Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
It’s the weekend y’all
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up