My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
![]()
You Might Also Like
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
![]()
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
💀
![]()
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant