My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
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Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.