My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
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Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions