My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
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I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Maths meets science
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”