My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
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In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude